What NOT to Crochet!

A post on a weblog at Crochet spot.com asked if any of we ladies were planning on crocheting and/or wearing a crocheted bikini that season. The responses were filled with vitriol. 

I’ve seen many patterns in many books and on many websites around swimsuit time, but never considered making or wearing one. They are quick and easy, which just screams “DANIELLE!” but would I ever wear it to the beach or pool? Not likely.

One poster said she’d use cotton thread but that would weigh it down, stretch it and make it sag. You would never consider using acrylic because it is itchy and hot. Something stretchy might work, like that new sock yarn, but I imagine you’d have to make the stitches pretty small for it to be functional. I see some comments that you could line it with fabric, making it more useable, but I side with most of the ladies who said it was a definite “What Not to Crochet!”

Have you seen that cute little website? It’s a hoot! Once you get past the obscene (cock sheaths, 3-D vaginas, and tampon holders) you see that there are really some kooky things out there that should NOT have been crocheted!

I have seen what would amount to a pair of flip flops but since I only have nine toenails, I’ve trended away from things that accent my feet.

I like a sock monkey as much as the next gal, but I don’t see the purposeful in an entire dress made out of them. One look at the face of the model and you can see that she doesn’t see it either.

When Baby #4 was born I wanted a handmade sling for him. Not wanting to shell out forty dollars for something that I could easily crochet myself, I found a pattern! The designer warned all takers that her first pattern ended up looking like a hobo bag. The poor baby would fit inside the “sling” and it would stretch and sag like a wet bathing suit. Her subsequent pattern fixed those boo boos, she said, but I figured that with the time and expense of the yarn it would take to create it, I’d be better off buy it from Target. They had cuter colors anyway.

Lest I continue to poke fun at others I have my very own What NOT to Crochet tale. When ponchos were all the rage, the second time( didn’t we all have one in the 70’s), I decided that I wanted one. I found the pattern in a leaflet with a sassy young girl modeling with her hands on her hips. You kinda had to have attitude to make a poncho work, in my opinion. Sure, Martha Stewart made them really HOT again, but to me they were still little relics from my youth. I liked the model’s sassy “I-can-pull-this-look-off” attitude. 

I bought the pattern. 

I also bought the expensive soft yarn that it called for, but only 3 skeins of it. 3 skeins would do for the short version, but you’d need a couple more for the longer version. Three was perfect for quick and easy me. 

I toiled on the pattern so that I could wear it the following weekend while visiting with friends.  Choosing the short pattern was probably NOT the best idea. It was completed but looked weird.  I wore it with trepidation, waiting for comments from my friends, but crickets were all I got in response. Finally one good friend said, “Hey, Danielle, I’d like to wear a skirt around my neck too…” I took off my “skirt”, pulled out the yarn and re purposed it. Maybe I didn’t have the “sassy” attitude I needed to pull it off.

“Because it’s there” Said George Mallory when people asked him why he wanted to climb Mount Everest, the tallest mountain in the world.

“Because I found the pattern on the internet, and really I think I can make it work for me as long as my toes don’t show and it’s really not going to take me…”

NOT!